Girl Friends??
I wish I understood why girls like hanging out with guys, spending time with them and so forth. Then usually, not always the guy seems to start liking the girl and might want to pursue her. Now the girl and guy might continue hanging out and spending time together and both putting an equal amount of effort and time into the relationship. There might become a point when the guy decides to lay down some turf and tell her how he feels, but to his surprise he gets the "sorry I only love being your friend" Basically the guy totally got the wrong idea about her, he was pretty certain and fairly convinced that she liked him. I just don't seem to understand how a girl could put time and effort into a relationship with some dude she really has no intention of dating. How's the guy ever really supposed to know wether she is pumped for him. She is either pumped for dating or she's pumped to be just friends, but displaying similar actions in both situations. I can assure you I wasn't writing this post all fired up and grumpy, I just seek some answers.
posted by JK at
8:42 PM
16 Comments:
I guess women find it easy to be friends with men, without any romantic feelings. Some women do need to be more careful that they're not leading their guy friends on.
Another way of avoiding confusion is if the man is more upfront and takes leadership of the relationship when it's in its early stages - stating that he is pumped. But you still need to establish some kind of friendship before this happens.
Girls put the time and effort into the relationship because they value the friendship. Most likely all of the signals to say that it was only friendship are there, but unfortunately us guys are never really good at figuring it out.
Looking back now I can see all of the things that made Ness and my friendship different from the other friendships I had with girls. Strangely enough at the time I didn't see the signs at all (I still remember talking for a few hours with Jerome and Nick in the car park on evening trying to figure out whether she liked me). I think that trouble is that guys often only see these signals in hindsight. Which makes life that much more tricky for guys (but fun at the same time!).
"I just don't seem to understand how a girl could put time and effort into a relationship with some dude she really has no intention of dating."
I think, for the same reason that she puts time and effort into her relationships with her girl friends - for friendship.
Why do girls like to have friendships with guys? Because if they find a meaningful friendship with someone, then the fact that that person is a man shouldn't mean ruling the friendship out. In the context of a friendship, dating isn't the first thing on a girl's mind. Friendship is. In a less than ideal situation, sometimes girls do pursue friendships with guys for the attention that they can get as a result. But I think that's less often the case.
Of course one person can become attracted to the other, so it's important to make sure you're both honest about how you feel about each other - easier said than done, but in an honest friendship, I'm sure it can be done.
And is it such a bad risk to take? Getting into a friendship where the feelings might become more than platonic? These things happen, and it's how a lot of people start dating. And even if both parties start out seeking only friendship, people have been known to change their minds (especially girls)!
So to rule out friendships with the opposite sex could be not only to rule out a lot of good, mutually encouraging and meaningful friendships, but also to rule out a lot of potential relationships.
hey thanks for your thoughts guys. I will ponder on them :p
I fully agree with Der's solution -- if a guy develops feelings for a female friend, he should ask her for a date, take initiative. If she says "no, only friends blah blah, love you but don't LURRRRVE you" then you actually KNOW instead of having to guess at her motives. And plus you're early in the game so you can avoid total crushing heartbreak.
But I agree, we girls need to remember that God designed men to be attracted to women and as such, we have a responsibility to be careful. I would even be so bold as to say that women should, generally, just not have close (emotionally-shary-type) friendships with men.
Also... this is a pretty sweeping indictment of my gender, but here it is: girls often get their relational needs met in those kinds of friendships. It's easier to tell yourself, "Oh we're just friends," even when you're hanging out one-on-one watching movies and having heartfelt talks at 2 a.m., rather than be inconvenienced to say, "Y'know, I think it might be unwise for us to keep on this path."
It's something I know from experience, unfortunately. Men aren't the only ones with commitment issues! ;)
I thought about writing a comment earlier, but wanted to leave it till a discussion generated. When I read this post I thought, 'Did you just rip off the experience of a friend of mine who just recently went through this pretty much exactly as you describe?'
I think Laura makes a good point. In the situation I am thinking of, this girl invested significant energy in this friendship, well beyond what any of us who have discussed it considered a 'normal' friendship. But when the guy took some initiative and asked her out, she said she'd never considered him in that way. Honestly, in the case I'm talking about, she was either way out of line, or self-delusional.
Which is all to say, there are *some* times when a woman should take some kind of blame/responsibility for this kind of situation.
Though, I should also say guys' ability to be clueless is a highly developed skill.
do you think that in some cases the girl might persue the friendship thinking it might go somewhere serious. Then at some point she realises that he's not the guy, hence then limiting the relationship to "just friends" Because as silly as I sound I dont understand what drives a woman to seek a deep relationship with a guy and not pursue it as a serious option?? I wish I understood how women think, but as much as I try I dont think I can :p
It's out of line for a woman to pursue (shudder) a deep friendship with a guy. And a guy ought to back away from those kinds of friendships, especially if we're talking about a girl he finds attractive or intriguing. Simple enough.
I don't see any Biblical imperative preventing men and women from sharing deep friendships, rather, read 1 Tim 5:1-2... this is how we should treat one another. I am able to have deep emotional relationships with both brothers and sisters in Christ, married and single, because I see them in this way, and pray for strength to exhibit self control when I might be tempted not to.
Peta
OK, Peta, but I think it's fine for us to derive wise courses of action from the example of Scripture (note that I didn't say it would be a sin to be close friends with a guy). There's not really anywhere in Scripture where you see men and women being emotionally intimate, sharey-close friends. Quite the opposite -- you see very intimate friendships between women and very intimate friendships between men.
And just to clarify, I'm not saying women should be stand-offish with men (far from it!), and I'm not saying men and women in the church can't have heartfelt spiritual relationships that are characterized by great love (though I still think that relationships between men and women ought to look quite different than the friendships women have with each other!).
I'm specifically talking about a girl who seeks emotional satisfaction in a relationship with a man who is not her husband, while saying, "Oh, we're just friends." That is clearly an impure way to treat a brother in Christ.
Josh, when you get it figured out, give me a yell!
Seumus, just curious, what does it mean when you say "there are *some* times when a woman should take some kind of blame/responsibility for this kind of situation."
Seems a bit of an empty statement - I mean, what difference does it make whose fault it is? It sure as hell doesn't make the bloke feel any better...
My point in that statement was this: not all women can be blamed for creating situations like this.
Culpability may seem like cold comfort to a guy in such a situation, but that doesn't mean it's vacuous. Guilt is important when people are guilty of something.
Peta,
I don't think it's wrong to have close friendship with the opposite sex... but surely it's common sense to avoid those sorts of friendships if you are married?
Also, what you may think is a deep, loving friendship could be interpreted as *more than that* to the man.
I do have to say it does happen to girls as well ie the girl struck up a friendship and thought it would lead to more but the guy just wanted to be friends. I wonder what side it happens more to maybe its 50 -50 it can be hard to determine whether the guys interested. SO again same problem.
I like to have friendships with males - ALthough it gerrally has been more casual with the occasional d and m and often these friendships are part of a group of friends which I would recommend. But care still has to be taken.
there has to be a balance in this area at the one extreme you don't allow men and woman really talk to each which is oppressive and stops benefical relationships from forming and a more close community.
At the other end you have marriage break ups and people comfused becuase no care was taken.
I thin its there fore best to take a middle road that allows freedom but with care. where the line of 'accpetableness' will exactly lie will depend on your age, wether your partnered and the relationship.
I think also is you know of cases of this working really well or really badly this can have an impact on your view
strangely enough I think I have more good male friends then female friends since I was in school. I found it is easier to be friends with boys than girls. Sometimes it is easier for me to share with boys than girls even.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home